Social anxiety: why I no longer fear life

It’s Thursday 8th October 2020 and today is different. 

I’m unemployed and I think – although can’t be totally sure – it’s the 3rd lockdown during the COVID-19 pandemic. 

For several days now, I’ve been in bed desperately wanting to avoid everyone I know. Every phone call is rejected, every message is left unread, and every attempt from my boyfriend to cheer me up just makes me irritable. 

I’m depressed and anxious. 

I was just about to explain exactly what “depressed and anxious” is but let’s be honest, we all know mental health issues are affecting a lot of the people we love. 

It’s estimated that 1 in 4 people will experience anxiety or depression in their lifetime. 

We all know what it is because we know we don’t want it. 

Nobody wants to feel worthless or sick at the thought of leaving the house. Nobody wants to feel detached from friendships or so incredibly low that you hate doing what you once loved. 

Anyway, I’m venturing out today. 

I’m going to Homesense (you know, TK Maxx’s cooler, quirkier homeware-focused store?) because it’s my favourite store and I just can’t not buy a new candle or book 

But the thing is, I’m unemployed, so the idea of buying anything is literally that – an idea. 

I’m window-shopping. 

But I’m not. I’m sat in my car. It’s been 20 minutes now and I’m frozen. I’m sat here, I can’t move, I’m shaking, panicking and crying because I can’t get out of the car. 

I especially can’t get out of the car now because everyone can see I’m crying and I’m unstable. Now everyone is looking at me (nobody was around but my brain told me this was a FACT) and talking about me. 

Everyone in Cheltenham now knows that Mara Swann is crying in Homesense car park because she’s struggling with social anxiety. 

That’s it – home time. 

Everything was a little too much today. Back to bed. Nobody talk to me. Depression sets in.

It’s Thursday 8th April 2021 and today is different. 

I rang my GP. I’m getting help. I’m on the waiting list to talk to someone. 

Finally. 

This is a great day. 

The road ahead seems that little bit clearer and the enormous dark cloud hanging over my head is shifting. 

I’m getting help. 

It took me 6 months to get help. 

Well, I’ve been struggling with depression and anxiety since I was 18 but I’ve always preferred to go straight for medication. There’s always been a naivety in me that thought “therapy won’t help, I talk to my friends about stuff so I don’t need therapy”.

This time is different. I’m ready to talk about everything. I don’t want to cover the cracks with medication anymore. I want to process stuff. I want things to change. 

I’m ready for therapy. 

Real, proper therapy. 

It’s Friday 22nd October 2021 and today is different. 

My first therapy session. 

I didn’t know what to expect but I knew it was going to be hard. 

Thank fuck for the NHS. All therapy sessions were over Zoom due to COVID. The same time every week (3:45pm on a Friday) with the same therapist. I was top of the waiting list for 6 months – which seemed like forever at the time and also says a lot about how mental health resources are stretched in this country – but today; I knew it was worth the wait. 

I won’t go into too much detail about my therapist but she was awesome. Totally not what I expected. It wasn’t doom and gloom all the time. We had a laugh. I was completely open, and she didn’t judge me. It was a surreal experience. 

I spoke about how I can’t start or maintain conversations with people without spiralling. I couldn’t even observe a room without my incessant need to stare at the floor. 

I addressed my need to over-apologise because I have zero self-confidence. 

I talked about my late-night panic attacks and how my fear of death was consuming me. 

I went into detail about how I knew what people were thinking about me when they looked at me. 

“She’s disgusting.”

“She’s so stupid.”

“She can’t even talk properly.”

“I wouldn’t leave the house if I looked like that.”

So, guess what my first challenge was?

Go to a pub with Joe, sit at the furthest table away, walk to the bar on my own, order a couple of drinks and walk back. 

I couldn’t take my phone or look at the floor. 

I had to observe the room, the decor, the people. Look strangers in the eye. Talk to the person behind the bar. 

I did it. 

Nothing happened. 

Nobody even noticed I was there. 

The new blackcurrant flavour gin was on offer at the time. I walked across the slightly uneven cobbly floor. The bar was sticky and the beer mats were drenched in beer. I had blackcurrant gin (of course) with elderflower tonic and Joe had Aspall cider. 

I remember because I observed every little detail about that moment. 

I was underwhelmed by what happened. Nobody made eye contact, nobody cared and nobody whispered about me to their friends. 

It was… incredible. Nobody cared!

 

It’s Friday 14th January 2022 and today is different. 

I had my last therapy session. After almost 3 months of intense Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), trying my hardest to challenge myself and my thinking, I’ve done it. 

As my therapist told me, “I won therapy”. 

Day 1 of therapy showed I had “Severe” social anxiety. Today, I have “Healthy” social anxiety. 

Spoiler: we all experience some sort of social anxiety. It’s the reason we’re not particularly fond of presenting or being the centre of attention. 

I’m unbelievably proud of my progress. Some challenges saw me running after a piece of flying paper in a car park (seriously!) and other challenges had me swallowing my fear of presentations and trying my hardest to be assertive. 

Multiple challenges, conversations of what went well – or not so well! – and many dog walks that forced me to be more sociable and now… I’m better. 

I’ve got a clearer head. I can live life and not fear what’s to come. 

I’m not scared of life. I haven’t had a panic attack in three months. I’ve stumbled on my words but I haven’t spiralled. 

I started conversations with strangers. I get excited about upcoming social events. 

I’m excited about life. 

Therapy is one of the best things I’ve ever done in my life. 

If you’re umming and ahing about whether to do it – do it. 

Are you struggling with poor mental health? Find mental health services near you today.