There is nothing stronger than being vulnerable and if I can help others with what happened to me, then I will find strength in my honesty and my openness. Kenny & I have both found a release of emotion in talking about this and I will always be so thankful for the continuous support he has given me throughout.

November 7th. A day that will pass every year but will now be filled with an overwhelming feeling of sadness, guilt and grief.

The night before, I was measuring up the bedroom to see how the baby furniture could be arranged. Would I want a wooden cot with teddies sat in the corner or a shelf displaying little ornaments? What kind of patterns would I go for? Neutral or pastel colours? What names would I like? Noah was always a firm choice. My heart was full, I was ready to be a mum.

The next morning, it was all over. The dream of bringing up a child that would share mine and Kenny’s great and not-so-great qualities. A proud, open-minded human that would occasionally leave a bit of a mess and not always be super smiley but always had manners and consideration, no matter the mood.

The emotional and physical pain of going through a miscarriage is enough to scare anyone. I’ve dealt with issues with my ovaries for a few years now, so I’m no stranger to an awkward gynaecology appointment or some bad news that my reproductive system just isn’t working the way it’s supposed to but, to be told you’ve had a miscarriage, that your body has rejected a baby. It’s heartbreaking.

So many thoughts were going around my head that morning. Maybe if I hadn’t gone to the gym the day before, maybe I’d be okay. Why me? I have so much love to give and I know I’ll be a good mum, why can’t I get to experience the joy of being a parent and loving my own child like other people? To have the joy of knowing you’re pregnant to having it torn away within a matter of a week is a lot to deal with emotionally. Grieving is never an easy process and so many emotions are mixed around during this time. Anger, stress, sadness, lashing out at the wrong people, anxiety – all too much for someone to go through.

I felt so much love at a time where I couldn’t love myself any less than I did. I became a complete recluse. I took myself away from all social interactions, I took time for my mental health and I most importantly, took time away to heal – emotionally and physically. I will always have appreciation for all the support that was given to me. Whether it was with flowers, a card, a tight hug, a simple text or a phone call to check in on how I was doing. I couldn’t have asked for more supportive family and friends who were aware of the situation. You all helped me through one of the toughest times of my life. Thank you. 

Of course, the cliche sayings like “Everything happens for a reason” and “It’s just not your time yet but it will happen” were always meant with good intentions and I really believe those sayings are true but, at a time when you feel heartbroken and you feel like nothing can help the pain, the only thing to do is to get right in the middle of it all. I made sure to embrace the sadness, I stayed in bed and cried and cried and cried until I felt numb. I felt the sadness consume me but that was such an important part of the healing process. After a few weeks of coming to terms with what had happened, understanding that this wasn’t the right time and finding opportunities that I wouldn’t be able to achieve whilst pregnant, I can now talk about it.

June 7th would be the due date. June 7th for me, is a final goodbye to what could’ve been and now the beginning of letting go completely. I’ll always feel sadness in my heart whenever I think about the baby that could’ve been but I know this has made me a stronger person. I now look at my body with admiration because I am a warrior. I am strong and my body has been through a lot, emotionally and physically. I am proud of who I am and the situations I have overcome to be where I am today, just like so many women that go through this.

Why aren’t miscarriages talked about? There’s a certain stigma about openly talking about miscarriages but I think it’s really important to talk freely about this. I immediately felt like I wasn’t a “proper woman” because my body rejected a baby. Obviously, I know that’s not the case now but I found it really hard to connect and relate with anyone because not many people talk about this. The only way we can beat the stigma is to be honest. It’s scary and I’m the most vulnerable I’ve ever been right now but I know there is also so much bravery in sharing this.

If you have gone through this or are going through this, my heart is with you fully. It’s a fucking horrible thing to go through and I’m sorry you have experienced this. Just know you are not alone. You are loved. I truly believe there is a reason why things happen and you just have to trust the process, no matter how shitty the situation. Know that you will be full of love again. You will learn to see the beauty in everything again. You will feel passion and happiness again. Take time to heal yourself, always look after yourself, before anything else.