As I’m approaching my mid-twenties, I’m really starting to reflect on what I had hoped for at this age but also, what I feel I deserve this far in my life.

Let’s be honest, didn’t we all think we’d be happily married with a child in a three bedroom house by the time we were 25? We grow up hearing stories from our parents and grandparents about how they had that life, so you just assume you’re going to follow suit. I guess nobody expected this generation to be brought up in a world where technology has completely changed the life we have now – whether that be relationships, careers and so on. It seemed like everyone was content on having a safe job that didn’t make them happy but paid the mortgage, the bills and got their family what they needed.

I’ve always wanted more than that. I know there are plenty of people that are happy to settle down early on in their twenties, gosh, pretty much my whole family have done this and I’ve grown up thinking this is “the right way” of living my life. I love my family and one day, I really hope to have my own but for now, I really enjoy being selfish. I like the finer things in life, I like being able to have a random weekend away and not have to worry about anyone other than myself. I also really like the fact that if I run out of money, then it’s only myself I have to worry about. Having a child depend on you and being accountable is kinda really scary and although I went through a tragic loss of having a miscarriage, it taught me so much about what I want from life and it showed me that 2018 wasn’t the right time to have a family.

I’m no longer in that relationship, I no longer have the apartment I bought and my life is completely different now from what it once was. We go through so many “chapters” in our lives, as cliche as that is, that things really do happen for a reason.

To anyone that has lost a child, I’m sure you’ll understand where I’m coming from but I often feel like I’m a failure. I know I’m not. I know I’ve achieved many things and I am truly happy with the person that I am however, I do have days where I see happy families, new parents, newborn babies or pregnant women and there will always be a part of me that will silently be crushed inside because I know that I should’ve had that life but for some reason, it wasn’t meant to be.

Through all of the hurt of losing a child, going through a break up with someone who I thought I’d be with forever and losing my first home, I took the opportunity to put everything I had into my career, to the point where I stopped having frequent contact with friends and family.

Do I regret it? No! That was my coping mechanism and it made me grow as a person. My confidence grew tremendously, I gained friends and found people that understood me. Working my socks off also gained me a promotion and I proved to myself that even though life can be shit and things can get really tough, if you focus on something and you enjoy it, it can be the most rewarding thing you’ve ever done.

Owning a property is one of the most exciting things you’ll ever do, if you are fortunate enough to do this. You have this overwhelming feeling of “Fuck yeah, I’ve got my life together, this is it – my life is officially concrete and I don’t have to worry about anything” and you have this naivety where you think that nothing bad can happen because you have your life “sorted”. I can’t explain how gutted and heartbroken I was to sell the first property I ever owned with someone that I loved. A home that already had plenty of happy memories and every room had character as we had fully decorated the home that we fell in love with. I felt like I had just taken 100 steps back and I had so much worry that I’d never be able to buy a property again but honestly, it’s okay. It’s okay to feel like that but remember that it’s not the end of the world. As long as you have a roof over your head, then it doesn’t matter if you own it or not. As long as you’re happy, that’s the only thing that matters.  I’m back into the renting world and I feel so much more comfortable now.

Understanding what you’re supposed to do with your life in your twenties is hard enough with societal pressure but now we’re in the midst of a pandemic, I find it even harder because we have even more pressure to either invent something, gain a new hobby, lose weight or whatever else. I often find myself feeling bad if I spend a day in bed but why the fuck not? People are dying, nobody is allowed to see their loved ones – we need to give ourselves a break and stop being so hard on ourselves. There’s no perfect way of getting through this – getting through this and maintaining our health is the most important thing and the only thing we should be focusing on.

Even though life can change so dramatically from one minute to the next, I can confidently say that I’m happy now and it has only been one year since my life took a bit of a U-turn. I’ve learnt to never plan anything. Things will happen and it’s out of your control. Just go with it and trust that it’s taking you to a point in your life that you’re supposed to be in.

If you’re just starting your twenties or coming to the end of it, I hope you’re happy and healthy. Remember to stay hopeful and to focus on yourself and your happiness. You’re the only person that will get you through your toughest times so reward yourself and treat yourself kindly.